I Don't Know, I'm Like Your Main Dude

I'm watching "Cloverfield." I saw it once in theaters and cried, though I'm not sure why. (So maybe spoiler, maybe). I spent the ride home smoking and thinking about it, and it's as cliche as it's ever going to get, but I wanted to know that there could be something real about it. Not the like, weird monster alien thing, but the love thing. The guy knew that he was probably going to die by going back for her, but did it anyway. I asked J randomly one night later if he would come back for me if I were injured, and if there was a good chance that he'd probably die in the process. After analyzing everything (as in, what kind of chance that he would die? what kind of injuries do I have? how long would it take to get to me? what are the odds that I would survive?), I stopped caring what his answer was (I never got a straight answer). It was ruined. I don't think he would have come back.

Maybe I don't understand him. He's going out tonight with a guy who I thought was a mutual friend, who I would love to hear stories from (he lived in DC for a while, then got a job where he's in Europe most of the time), but I guess I wasn't invited. I don't think it would bother me or hurt me if he at just told me that it's a guy's night (which I don't think it is), or at least say, "Next time," or something, instead of just ignoring the fact that I'm not there. I also don't think it would bother me if we went out and did things more often. He has been getting better about that, though. I didn't mean to turn this into a J-bashing, just on my mind.

I just got back from the airport where I dropped my sister off. She's flying to Chicago to have a romantic weekend with this almost-forty-year-old from Denver (she's 24 and lives not in Denver). It's ironic, considering our past history. But it was good to share a pizza, drink a beer and talk about sex and romance with someone.

I don't really know what to write about, but I wanted to write. I keep thinking of four years ago and where I thought I would be now. I'm not there, but it's not like I can't get to it. I can, but, I don't know if I should. Complications.

"I always knew I loved you. And I would have waited forever."

I wonder what my last words will be.

He Doesn't Understand Me, But I Can Be Myself Around Him

Second post in one night...guess I'm on a roll.

I emailed my journalism professor earlier in the week, and hadn't heard back by today. I was getting worried, as I usually hear from him within hours. He sent me an email tonight:

"I am in Texas, where my father is dying. I won't be able to think about novels or anything else until I get back.

Thanks for the intern story. I guess you saw the story that the N&O did on The Slammer."

We send each other links to stories about the state of journalism, or about interesting topics, and then discuss. It became much more personal a little over a year ago when a friend of mine drove to the beach and shot himself in the head.

My professor is a blunt person, one who won't sugarcoat things and one who I can always depend on to tell the truth - no matter how much it hurts. The day after I heard my friend's body was found, I wrote him an email saying I wasn't going to be in class, and explained why. He responded, and I responded to his response, and the conversation progressed to one about our own experiences with suicide and what it took to get past it, how sometimes the thought creeps back up. He told me one day, several decades ago, he put a gun to his head, but couldn't pull the trigger. It's hard for me to imagine how I could have gotten past my friend's death without him, and I secretly thank whatever god exists (if there is one) that he didn't pull the trigger.

We began smoking outside together before class, sometimes arriving five or ten minutes late because we'd get caught up in some conversation about anything. He is, by far, one of the handful of people in my life who I trust with anything, someone I want to prove myself to.

As is (I guess) normal, I want to do anything I can for him. To lose a parent...I can't even imagine. He wasn't close with his father, at least he wasn't while growing up, though I don't know if he's gotten closer. It's frustrating, knowing someone so important is in pain and not being able to stop whatever it is from happening. But, such is life. At the moment, all I can do is take a shot for him, and hope for the best.

I Don't Want To Die, I Just Don't Want To Be Here

House marathon...hellz yes.

I've been thinking about writing. Maybe because I haven't yet fallen into my new books. But I've realized how much I've missed it. I've been waiting for this weekend, when I can sit out on my balcony in my comfy butterfly chair and write in the rain. The only problem is that this will be one of the first times I'll write without smoking. I permanently quit the day before Memorial Day, having been on-and-off for several years after having been a hard-core chain smoker for about half a year.

Some of my favorite pieces came out during a summer semester three years ago, when I would sit outside until 2 am writing. I loved blowing the smoke out, watching it drift away, glinting in the lights attached to my apartment's roof. It was soothing, and I believed it helped drive my creativity. Let's hope I can get it back without the tobaccy.

In the meantime, I've been reading back through my old journals, from high school until last year. I have way too many. This is one poem that stuck out to me, which I may mess with later (but maybe not):

You smile at the simplicity of it all
The melodic silence deafening so many
That all the while enlightens your senses.
Your eyes are filled to capacity with your world
That any given person will mercifully lose herself in
To evade her own.
You're my safe haven, my blessing
Accompanying me down your road to the only sense of freedom obtainable
Without adding to the inevitable pains of the roads I've trekked.
The altruistic ways you've influenced the world
Are invisible to the ways you've influenced me.
I feel selfish for having you and not wanting to share you
With anyone who may change you in the slightest,
And open your eyes to the lines of their coloring books.

*Also - I updated the template. Duh. But not because someone else did (*cough*). I've been looking around for a while and this one incorporates my loves: newspaper journalism, coffee and contacts (I guess).*

I Can Do Big Fish Things and Swim With The Other Fishes

I cried while watching this video.

I've been slacking with the posting. Oh well. Work is...peaceful. C is out for a few weeks, so I'm actually getting work done. And I get to put in some overtime this weekend.

The beach was absolutely fantastic. I'll post some pictures below (if the little Blogger picture thing is working). I really don't have much to say. I just watched "Good Night, and Good Luck," which I highly recommend if you're in a serious "I care about historical parallels" mood. I think I'm going to update my sidebar to include the most recent movies and books and stuff or whatever in my life...I've been drinking so I'm not expecting this to make sense.

And now I want to read my book. I think I'll do that, and then (try to) post a better post tomorrow. These are my three favorite pics:

What Am I, Tommy Bahama?

Well, I've been at the beach since Wednesday, so I've been trying to escape reality for a bit, hence the lack of updates. I went parasailing Thursday and went shopping yesterday, so it's been a pretty good trip. I'll try to stick some pictures up later and give a real post tomorrow. :)

That's Like, What This Whole Thing Is About

Well, today was a big piss-me-off day at work, apparently. I've become good friends with some people in the P department, which is a temp. department meant to help out with a national class action lawsuit. They're traveling for a month, beginning in August, to sign up clients and answer questions at 9 or 10 locations around here.

At Happy Hour last week the manager said I should come with them. I spent all weekend excited about it, because he said he'd send the email out today. This meant all I had to do was get the OK from my manager and I'm set.

The email came and I requested the OK from my manager, the CFO. He didn't. An hour later, C (the always wonderful coworker) requested the OK, and got it. He's going the last two weeks in August.

The slacker, who lies on timesheets and shows up to work two hours late and leaves an hour early, spending the time in between reading articles about karate, is going instead of me.

Grr. That's where I am, so I'm past the throwing things. What'd I expect from lawyers, anyway?

In other news, I spoke to a fling last night. It helped that I was sloshed, but unfortunately, it was exactly what I expected. He seemed surprised to speak to me, but also reluctant. I don't know why I messaged him, I don't have any intention of doing anything. I guess it's just good to be wanted sometimes.

And I'm officially obsessed with the reality show about these teens trying to make it on High School Musical. I don't know why. I've never seen the movie(s), I don't care to, but seeing people try to do something they've always wanted really gets to me. Yeah, I'm a freak. Oh well.

Almost beach time!

It's Just An Uncomfortable Process

Three days from now, I'm going to be relaxing at my family's beach house. I can't freaking wait.

Oh, and the brownies went well, except Williams-Sonoma didn't have the biscuit pan. Sadness. So I used little oval cast iron baby pans instead.

I don't really have anything to say, but I wanted to update for some reason. I don't know why. So I Googled "random questions," and came up with this: "Do you believe in the external world?"

Well, it depends on your definition of "external." Do I believe that there is something beyond our world? Of course. Do I believe in God? I don't care. It's not that I'm adamant against the idea, it's just that I don't know if there's a God, and I don't care that I don't know. This has caused some...interesting...conversations with my family.

My immediate family's OK with it, but my aunt and my grandmother aren't. I guess my mother must have mentioned it to them, or perhaps my sister (probably my sister), so when a discussion about it came up, they were more than happy to question it.

The most memorable conversation took place a few months ago, while I was riding with the grandparents and aunt back home from dinner. The convo actually began as one about Obama, the man my aunt and grandmother don't think too well of. First of all, they think he's Muslim, and that automatically labels him as a terrorist who will stop at nothing - I mean nothing - to inconvenience all Christians. When my aunt asked who I was voting for, I said, "Well, definitely not Hillary, and I'm not sold on McCain."

My aunt said, "You're not going to vote for Obama are you?"

"Well, honestly, I don't know at this point, but-"

"You know he's a Muslim, right?" My aunt likes to interrupt. I didn't say anything, though I know he's not a Muslim, and even if he were, what the hell difference does it make to me? "You know that if he were elected, he would take away all of our rights," she added, not waiting for an answer.

"What rights could he take away that Bush hasn't?" I shouldn't have encouraged her to continue, but it's kind of a sore subject with me - "it" being, you know, all the civil rights that we no longer have.

"Well, for one, he's Muslim, so he would make it so we couldn't go to church!"

It was laughable, really, how enthusiastic she gets over false information. I decided to play it safe and just joke it off instead of arguing.

"Well I never go to church anyway, so that doesn't really matter to me." I swear I said this in my "totally joking, don't take me seriously" voice, but it didn't fly.

"Well that's why you're going to hell." If she had said that in her "totally joking, don't take me seriously" voice, it would have been funny - I would have laughed, at least. But she said it in her "totally serious, I disapprove of your Satanistic ways" voice. So I shut up.

My grandmother interrupted the silence, saying, "She won't go to hell, because she believes in God. You believe in God, don't you, E?"

"Yeah." Lie. When it comes to old people, I figure it's okay - make them happy for as long as they have left, right?

"See, she believes in God." G-Mom shuts down the aunt.

"Well, she still needs to go to church, or she will go to hell." Oh, aunt. It doesn't make sense to me why she thinks the threat of going to hell would bother me when I don't believe in it.

This is where my grandfather interrupted with, "I'm so damned full." And everything was good in the world.

I don't understand religion, and I don't really think I want to. Anything that makes people kill other people in the name of something/someone that/who may or may not have existed thousands of years ago is not exactly something/someone I'd feel comfortable worshipping. Call me crazy.

But tell me that you see a spaceship, I might believe you. But you have to have an ambiguous photograph, and be wearing a Ghostbusters backpack.

What's In This Stuff

I think that's one of the issues with J, I don't think he wants people to know we're dating. Not that he'd try to hide it. I was using his computer and looked at his AIM logs with his ex (they still talk online, she's getting married, but it still kind of makes me uneasy, just because the reason they couldn't date was because her parents didn't approve. In all honesty, I really think they are perfect for each other, and it makes me question why J is with me.) and I searched for my name, and it's only been mentioned twice - once by J a year-and-a-half ago, and once by her recently when she was asking how his life was going. She said, "It's E, right? You never talk about her, I feel like I don't know anything about her." Just made me think.

I saw a midnight showing of Batman Thursday night (prompting my 13 hours of sleep last night), and it was awesome. I've never really been a big fan of those kinds of movies, but it was just so intense and nearly perfect in every way (I don't like Christian Bale's raspy voice). It was also a lot darker than I thought it would be, which of course made me happy.

So, call me crazy, but I don't like liars. I had another meeting yesterday morning with the CFO and my two coworkers, and this one guy really, really gets under my skin. He thinks he's the best person in the world, though I don't know if this is a front for low self-confidence or if he truly believes it, and will argue just for the sake of arguing. When he's not doing that, or when someone argues with him presenting valid points, he changes his answer and makes it seem as though he was just playing devil's advocate and that anyone who believes what he said first is an idiot.

So at the meeting yesterday we were discussing sign-ups, and the girl coworker said an investigator was going to signup a case tomorrow (Saturday). I said, "Saturday?" not realizing that investigators take turns working an extra day a week so there's always someone doing signups.

So the guy (C) said, "Yeah E, some people work on the weekends." And the CFO laughed and said, "Well, they're mostly work-a-holics." And C said, "Yeah, I actually do work a lot on Saturdays pretty consistently."

The thing is, I know he doesn't. He barely works a full day on the weekdays, getting in at 9:30 and leaving between 3 and 4, and saying he worked 8 hours. So he's trying to make himself look good, and the way he's doing it makes me look bad. Though, I shouldn't be worried. My work speaks for itself.

On a different (happy) note, I love cooking! I try to try at least 5 new recipes every week, and I've been trying a lot of low-fat recipes recently because of my diet (I've lost 1.2 pounds!), and I think today I'm going to try a most-likely-not-low-fat recipe: http://www.williams-sonoma.com/recipe/recipedetail.cfm?objectid=08863A9F-A63F-9F8E-B06E56BB2D4799FC.

Of course, this means I get to buy this awesome new pan from Williams-Sonoma:

Fantastic! I'm off to go crazy! :)

But She Just Couldn't Get There

I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I have mad bitchy migraines way too often. I was going to upload two of my favorite MRI scans of my brain, but something's up with the Google/Blogger image thing. I guess they can wait. Basically, they make me want to curl up in a cool bed without any lights or sound. That sounds really enticing....bed at 8:30? Yes, I dare...

Edit: The stupid image thing works now, a full two minutes after I posted. Here are the cool pics:

I Have Never Seen One Of These In Tact Before

Six pairs of shoes were waiting for me on my doorstep when I got home from work. Two pairs of knee-high heeled boots, one pair of pink and white wedges, one pair of white heels with lots of straps, one pair of lavender wedges and one pair of gray stiletto Mary Janes. Yes, it was a good day.

It was a good day despite the fact that my two coworkers essentially stabbed me in the back during a meeting with the CFO (lucky for me I'm cute), despite the fact that I stole groups of ten minutes throughout the day to look out the window and think of where I thought I would be at this point, and despite the fact that I ate a blueberry muffin this morning, which meant I couldn't have a beer tonight because it didn't fit into my diet.

But it was still a good day. :)

I'm watching "Aladdin" right now on my laptop. It's fantastic. I remember in grade school I made all my friends call me Jasmine and I walked around with my nose in the air like a real princess (I also made them call me Belle when "Beauty and the Beast" came out). I used to watch the TV version of "Aladdin" very early in the morning while getting ready for school, though I can't remember if it was middle school or high school. And then there was the time my father took me to see "Aladdin on Ice," and he bought me a Jafar staff, and it had little red glowing eyes and everything. I don't know what's with all the nostalgia.

I was stuck in rush hour traffic (if there is such a thing in this place) and was thinking of a story to write. I don't know why most of my ideas seem to involve some kind of violence. I think this one could be worthwhile, though that's what I think of all of my ideas. I think I have to read more in order to write better.

If you could do anything right now, what would it be?

I think I'd like to be in Italy or Paris or London, sitting outside at a table drinking coffee or hot chocolate (or beer), and smoking a cigarette while I people watch. Someday. :)

Where Is MY Whore?

Yay, endorphins. I just did a 45-minute aerobics video, and God, I've never felt so badly coordinated.

So I spent the day at work posting to the website and writing, while listening to Hanson's Greatest Hits and feeling nostalgic and wishing I had some other talent. So my plan is to get pretty again and to figure out some classes I can take to try a make a bit more than I am and maybe have some kind of direction in terms of my career, as opposed to hoping I'll get a raise every December. The better job I have, the more money I have, and the more money I can save, so the more I can do things I actually want to do.

It sounds way easier than it will be, I'm sure. But it's a goal. :)

Here's to hoping everyone is well. I'll try to post more consistently...but I'm reading every day.

It's a Suicide Mission

Several pics from last night:













The boyfriend's roommate is an amazing photographer, and he messed with lighting and made a long exposure (or something) and came up with these. This one is me drawing a flower with a sparkler.













This one is a peace sign. :)













And this one may be difficult to see depending on the brightness of your monitor, but the left is pacman (J), the middle is J's roommate (who ran in and shone a flashlight very quickly and ran back out), and I'm the ghost on the right. I think it's cute. We used glowsticks for it. :)

We also lit some thermite up, which had an amazing brightness and heat to it. If I get around to it, I'll upload the video.

I hope everyone had as much of a drunked fun as I did.

He Took the Midnight Train Going Anywhere

Happy Fourth. I think this holiday is the one in which I've felt most unpatriotic, for several reasons.

But I have to admit, I'm having a good time. I slept in til noon, and am currently playing Wii Bowling with the boyfriend on my new Wii, drinking a beer, waiting to fire up the gas grill and cook some brats and burgers, and listening to Journey. I don't think I've been this happy and satisfied in a while. :)

Here's to hoping everyone else is feeling the same way.

I Just Swept the Circle of Death

So I'm intoxicated. But I have spell check, don't worry.

Brooke Bennett's body was found today. It was expected.

But God...what the fuck ever. Sometimes I wish I could leave everything and everyone behind so I don't have to worry about losing them. I don't even have kids yet. Other times I wish I could take out all of these horrible people.

The world is a terrible place. Terrible.