Well J's ex-girl never showed. But I got to watch a Bosox win over beer pong. It's 3:33 am and I don't quite know how I got to this point, but I do know I had some text messages with two good friends that I miss much.

Sigh. I almost ran away from J screaming that it was over, but I'm glad I didn't. It's good to have security in someone I love. And it's good to have photo documentations of what exactly I did tonight - but I was good, no ciggies (except now) and no flirting with other guys or leaving J.

What am I scared of? Maybe the beers will speak for themeslves. I'm scared of being alone and of having to fight my own fights, of being completely helpless in a world where being helpless is a matter of life or death.

I"m on my balcony now. I'm hopin gmy neighbors don't see me, or at least the bad ones don't see me, and get some ideas. I'm hoping that no matter what I'll be strong enogh to puruse my dreams.

A friend of me and J's (his initals are JW) lives in DC, actually just oustside of it. I was looking at hotels for next weekend, and JW said I can always crash on his couch, which soudl be good. I just want to be there, just want to feel it in my bones, just want to feel my cit inside of me. I want to leave all of this shit behind and live the life I want to. Even if it means working for a compnay I don't belive in - how would that change from now?

Maybe someday I'll be brilliant and love my life and everyone in it. I'm tired of being tired. But here I am - tired and wishing for something better. Maybe someday.

On a happier note - I get to go out agian tomorro,w, but in a lim. Ona weirder note - what the fuck is that noise oustide fo my apartment? I think it's a cow. Again.

And I think I lost my phone. Sigh.